Quitting smoking.

I’ll admit it I have an array of bad habits. Cussing, smoking, drinking way to much soda, complaining about nearly everything that doesn’t go my way, and so on. I smoked my first cigarette when I was a little younger than thirteen. Seriously, smoking as a child was the only thing that I ever had done wrong. I was a really good kid, and was always to scared to break the rules but smoking was one that apparently was easier than I thought to hide from my parents. My brother had a million packs (or so it seemed like that at the time) of these nasty cigar cigarets. He never smoked them, but as soon as I learned how to smoke that big pack slowly but surely disappeared. I remember thinking I was so cool, but now that I think about it I was the only one besides my older sister that knew about it… so I guess that wouldn’t make me cool at all. I wasn’t addicted when I was that young, but I liked to pretend I was. I guess just to give me an excuse to break the rules I don’t know. Once we ran out of those nasty things I was done smoking I thought. Never to smoke another cigaret again, and at the time I was okay with this.

Fast forward a couple of years down the road. After we had moved into our new house, and my brother lived in the bachelor pad that was on our property. My brother was always having parties next door so it was beyond easy to bum cigarets off of people while in their drunken stupor. Thinking back now taking advantage of people while there drunk was a little messed up. Wow, I was a real winner. Anyway eventually my brother moved out, and the parties were over and no more smoking for Kayla again which I was okay with. I miss those days though so much. I honestly loved his friends and not to toot my own horn or anything, but im pretty sure they loved me too 😉

Now, fast forward to last year, when the I started smoking. I had the money to supply my own cigarets, and I even paid whoever bought me a couple bucks for the hassle. I started smoking at work and hiding it from my parents. Which they try to say that they already knew, but I highly doubt it. I’m a pretty smart cookie. Once I got caught I wasnt about to stop smoking. No matter what my parents tried to tell me “its my life ill do whatever I want with it” is how I thought. Which in some decisions in life I still think this way. Eventually I started smoking up to 3 packs daily, and easily. I had the money, and my job didn’t even care if you were constantly smoking, or maybe I was just a bad employee, but nah, I was an awesome employee. It’s not my fault nobody cares that nobody does their jobs. Anyway, that’s besides the point. I never thought I could actually get addicted to smoking, but while I was working I was at least smoking 2 packs a day.

That brings me to today, well this entire month. Money-less and cigarette-less. Having to quit cold turkey just isn’t gonna happen. So I have to bum off my brother, and dad (which they used to bum off me all the time so they can just live with it) and sometimes my parents buy me a pack, but it never last longer than a day. So I have to buck up and quit smoking. Anybody who has ever quit smoking I give you my props. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in life, and I hate it! I hate the person I am without cigarets though, its disgusting how much I depend on them. I’ve quit twice before, but I was never addicted. Now I can’t do anything without feeling the need to smoke a cigaret. Literally it controls my life.

So that’s what I wanted to rant about today. I’ve only smoked a cigaret and a half and surprisingly im not trying to kill anybody. Slowly but surely im quitting, and im not saying that im going to quit smoking forever, but I need to teach myself how not to depend on them for a “better mood”. I enjoy smoking, but I don’t enjoy smelling nasty, and I don’t enjoy having to whiten my teeth everyday. Ugh. So yeah. I’m gonna go smoke my last half cigaret and do something productive I suppose.

Lets make this PERFECTLY clear though, im not doing this to save my life. Or because “God” thinks its bad. Or because my family/boyfriend told me to. Im doing it because I have to, and life sucks right now until im out of highschool. On that note, I hope everyone has a wonderful night 🙂

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO; Kaylalarissax3


~ by kaylalarissax3 on December 28, 2012.

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